It's been nearly 14 months now. 484 days that we have been married. 484 days of trying to add children to our family. The first few months were fun. Lots of "being newlyweds" and hoping that this would be the month. That died off quickly and we realized that it wasn't going to happen for us the same way that it was happening for others all around us. Many couples conceive fairly easily despite the slim chances each month. We knew we were going to be in a different club. The "We're happy for you, but why isn't it happening for us" club. You don't get a choice regarding membership.
What you DO get to choose is how you handle it and what path you take. Mike and I did preliminary testing to say that everything is ok. There is still a scan I can do, but it involves giving blood which causes me to pass out and have seizure-like activity. I am going to call on Monday to request that they take blood from my hand. If that is okayed, then I will schedule the scan.Assuming the scan reveals things are ok, we will continue trying. I'm eating differently, better for my body. And doing acupuncture and fertility yoga. We are both taking vitamins and hoping that finding balance and staying positive will work out for us. We know the option of IUI or IVF are right around the corner and we'll have to make a decision about those procedures soon. We go back and forth about two main things regarding those processes - 1) Can we afford to empty our savings (insurance covers nothing) and possibly go into credit card debt only to have it not work? 2) Can our marriage handle the extra hormones I will be injected with that are required for the procedure? I already suffer from, and medicate for, hormonal imbalances. Is it a good decision for us to add to that problem? There’s a lot for us to think about.
If the scan reveals that I will not be able to get pregnant, will we have a family that includes children? We both know that ultimately we want to be parents. But we also both agree that we are not ready to adopt. How and when will we know we are? Do you think it's like knowing when to marry? Or buy the perfect house? Or when you know you've found your wedding dress?
I'm hoping we get that feeling so we know without doubt. In the meantime, I thought I'd share a few things that everyone should know when dealing with women and couples of child-bearing age....
What is said: "When are you going to start popping them out?"
What is heard: If we don’t act like we didn’t hear you, we may reply “Oh, we’ll see. We’re enjoying just being married right now.”
What is thought: We’re trying and it’s not working for us. Thanks for making us feel awkward and rubbing it in asshole.
What is said: “Oh, I know what you’re going through! Those four months getting pregnant with #3 were so trying”
What is heard: In a trying-not-to-be-a-bitch-and-rip-your-head-off way, “Yeah, it’s different for everyone.” And exhale.
What is thought: Seriously? 4 months? #3, as in you have two others? Um, are you a complete idiot or just an insensitive bitch? Ugh!
What is said: "My children are so amazing. I simply can't imagine life without them. I just don't see how anyone could possibly be complete and enjoy life without having kids.
What is heard: With bitter undertones of someone obviously trying to keep her temper, “Oh, we’re very happy in our life right now. Kids would be great, but we are really loving life.”
What is thought: Well, if we believed that we would immediately be thrown into a downward spiral of depression as if our infertility didn’t already have us teetering on the edge daily anyway. And if we are more mature and know better, then we’ll write off the stupidity of others yet again, but not without the cut words can cause on the heart. And not without feeling like someone is judging us and thinking we are lesser than. Or worse, weak and delicate and deserving of pity. Ewe.
What is said: "You just need to relax and it'll happen.
What is heard: Smile.
What is thought: Really? Where did you get your medical degree? And if I relax any more, I'll be dead.
What is said: "It's going to happen for you. I just know it."
What is heard: "Thank you."
What is thought: Holy shit, you're psychic? Why do people say that sort of thing when they don't know what's going to happen.
What is said: "You guys just need to have more sex."
What is heard: "Well, we are newlyweds"
What is thought: Do you really want me to show you the calendar I track our sex life on? Yeah, there's an app for that!
I know that anytime the above things were said to us it was out of kindness, but being on this side of things has really shown me how sometimes not saying anything is the kindest of all.
That said, one friend shared words that meant a lot to me. And knowing there are other women in my life who have or are combatting the same thing is helpful. The kindest bit shared with us yet, was to simply say something that meant "I am praying for the intended to come to be." It was the most honest and real anyone has been with us and most appreciated. Thanks, Marcia!
Going through this has really opened my eyes to how insensitive I could be if I wasn't fighting to make my body fulfill our dreams. I would have been the one to post my positive pregnancy test as my profile picture on Facebook. And to float around on cloud nine for 9 months only talking about the joys of life and becoming a mother. And now, while the joy of motherhood would make me want to scream "We did it!!" off a mountain top, I would do it with sensitivity for those who can't, or haven't had kids but dream of them.
I hope this post, while personal, and not my normal humorous take on things, was enlightening to you in the way this whole situation has been to Mike and me (yes, it's me and not I).
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Thank you for the information on what NOT to say to couples who are trying to conceive. I feel absolutely ashamed to admit that I have said one or more of those things in the past not knowing how insensitive it really was.
ReplyDeleteDon't beat yourself up too much Kristen. I've done it, too. Sometimes I wonder if I'm going through this to learn a lesson about it all.
ReplyDeleteJust thought I'd put it out there so we all can know from this point forward how to approach couples :)
KC...I DO know what you are going through. Even though I already had Emma, it took Dan and I a looooong time to concieve Jack. We were out of hope, had been through several tests, knew insurance wouldn't cover IVF or anything like that. Dan had a test done and we finally found out that it was possible but very a very slim chance we would ever concieve. It broke me to think that I could never give Dan his own "biological" child. It broke our hearts and put our marriage through some very tough times. If you ever need to vent or want to talk, please call or email me any time. You and Mike are surely in my thoughts!
ReplyDeleteThanks Sands!
ReplyDeleteI have spent a lot of time lately looking back at my life and thinking "if I had only known then what I know now...". I think that life takes us down these paths for a reason, even though we might not understand those reasons right now. I am very lucky to have never had to go through what you are going through, although it seems to keep coming up in my life in various places. My best friend is currently pregnant with twins as a surrogate for a couple who has had 12 miscarriages over 10 years. I remember being soooo sad for them when we first met them, and not understanding why they had to go through this. BUT...had they been able to conceive and carry on their own, there are so many things that tell me that their path has taken them here for a reason, and if not for that, so many wonderful things would have not fallen into place for them, their immediate family, and for a huge group of people around them. Let me know if you want the full story, it's simply amazing.
ReplyDeleteOk, I'm totally rambling, but the point I'm trying to make is, try to take comfort in the fact that there is a reason for all of this, even though it may not make any sense now. And someday you will look back at this period in your life and think...We had to go through that because of...(fill in the blank). ;)